sigh..

cant sleep. maybe i should be changing my blog skin. can i not be there when people need me.. can i be just invisible. i used to be just that but i came out from my own world when i started serving. its so difficult.. can i just run away from it all..

reality is so cruel.. so so very cruel.. and humans just have to make it worse.

oh lord god. i know you want me to go through all these so that i may help others along the way when they encounter too. but ain't it all too soon.. i know you are merciful, gracious and loving, forgiving too.. sometimes i find that i can't take it any more.. i dont think i am being a good witness to others.. oh god.. help me!! i'm so troubled.. so vexed!! why do people do the things they do. how come god.. you let me see all these.. yet! i dont know how to help... i dont know what to do now.... i only run away.. run away. but where can i run to.. i cry every sunday..

no one seems to bother to care more bout me.. to understand.. i dont even know myself sometimes... sometimes... i build a tower around myself.... if only i can stay in it forever. but it is not to be. i must come out. oh lord.. pull this city in me down... i'm so drained... dont feel like caring.. but i cant.

give me patience to await you lord.
give me strength to run the race you plan for me.
give me love to love others.
give me widsom to know how to do your works.
give me a listening ear to hear you.
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i just saw something which just got on my nerves!! how dare she!! .... but actually.. we can't decide the happenings of a relationship by ourselves.. it takes 2 hands to clap yah..

but i just can't understand it. maybe i'm missing out on something.. i dont have the rights to comment on anything bout other people who i dont really know anyway. but the thing tht i saw provokes the anger in me to burn!!!! its so unfair to the other person.. i wonder how this other person gets on with life..

and outside the room.. i hear mom and grandma blah blahing away again.. so irritating.. dad got us together just now to discuss bout the yr end trip to australia.. i think i confirm tht time still having course or some other things to do in kindergarten de.. oh well..

sigh. many things are happening.. many sad things. many depressing things. many stressful things. many many many sadness that i suddenly notice around me.. the people around me needs alot of care and love.. but i'm so so so so so so very tired of giving and giving and working and working and working and giving.. i feel so tired.. physically and emotionally...

sigh.. and i just had to see something which i didn't expect to see... haiz. aarhhhh!!!
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Sheperd of My Soul

sheperd of my soul
i give you full control
wherever you may go
i will follow

i have made the choice
to listen to your voice
wherever you made lead
i will go

be it in a quiet pasture
or by a gentle stream
the sheperd of my soul will be my guide

mighty mountain
or a valley dark and deep
the sheperd of my soul will be my guide


i like this song alot.. really meaningful to me. a reminder to me.. am i listening to god's voice, have i followed him in everything i do and not just talk only..

and through it all.. god's my guide and he keeps to his promises of being with me. blessing me. protecting me come what may. unlike human's promises. we make them but dont keep them..

god help me... sometimes he comes back to dig out my heart...
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so freakingly pissed off again. sometimes i so dread friday nights. it sucks! -_- arh!!!! -_-

sigh.. so disappointed with myself. damn it.

i hate listening to them nag. i hate it that people want us to do something but they themselves do not do it. i hate myself sleeping!!

damn it man. get so irritated with them ppl.. what the heck man..... -_-

i doze off super easily. especially when i do not like it. i'm not having any interest. i guess i'm super bias towards alot of things. i shut it out totally and just walk down the pathway that leads to lala land..

i visit it when i'm not suppose to. and dont visit when i'm supposed to. what the heck. !!!

arh!~!!!!!!!! T_T sigh!! haiz! AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAA AAAAA!!!!!
sigh...
haiz.
i dont want to face reality!!
i dont dare to face reality!!
i cant bring myself to face it all!!
its so tiring.
the responsibility is so huge!
i ... i dont think i can lor..
its easy to say that i trust.. but then the action of doing it...

how ironic can humans be..
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